A Really, Really Big Promise

The subway was really, really packed, but nobody wanted to sit with the sleepy man. He was alone in his seat, bent over so far that his long messy hair was hanging between his knees. His filthy fingers were curled over his toes. I didn’t want him to fall on accident, so I screamed wake up! But the sleepy man didn’t move or make a sound. He kind of smelled like garbage.

Mommy put her arm around me. She told me to use my inside voice, and the sleepy man had every right to sleep on the train because he was a grown-up, and grown-ups were allowed to sleep where they wanted. I asked Mommy why the sleepy man wanted to sleep on the train? Why not his bed at home? Where his Mommy could tuck him in and whisper “sweet dreams” before turning off the light?

Mommy patted my head. She smiled. She said things change when you grow up. Sometimes you have really bad days, and when you have a lot of them, you get really, really sleepy all the time. Sometimes, you get so sleepy that you can’t even make it to your bed before falling asleep. Mommy asked me if that reminded me of anyone. Then she started tickling me. I started laughing. And then I asked how come, when Daddy was asleep like the sleepy man, Mommy never let Daddy sleep? She always screamed at Daddy to wake up, like I screamed at the sleepy man.

Mommy stopped smiling.

She took a big breath. She told me she was really, really sorry. She thought I was too busy watching Peppa Pig on her iPad and eating ice cream before dinner to hear. I told her not to worry because I stayed brave, and I wanted to help the sleepy man wake up the same way she always wanted to help Daddy wake up. Then I stood up to help the sleepy man, but before I could help him, Mommy grabbed my arm and sat me back down.

She held my face with both hands. She said she wasn’t mad at me; she was proud of me. She said I had a really good heart, but life had a way of being tough for people with good hearts. She told me to promise to never stop trying to take care of people in need. But also, to never forget to take care of my own needs first; no matter how much help I really wanted to give to someone; no matter how much help they really, really needed to take from me.

I nodded.

Mommy squeezed my arm.

She told me to always remember that Daddy loved me more than life itself, and she really, really wished he could be here to tell me, like he was supposed to be.

Then she stopped.

Mommy looked at the sleepy man, then back at me.

Her eyes were wet and blue.